Last night, I came back from my driving lesson at Eunos, Ubi at around 11pm. Misty-eyed, exhausted and alone, walking through the quiet brown passageways to my house, I suddenly realised that I am very lonely.

I checked my phone, and there: a couple of messages from you (never continued cause I saw no point in it), next a few reminders for the class BBQ this coming Saturday, and then conversations with the other female friends that I have (cause all the guys are in NS). I read through the messages you sent me. ” -.- ” ” okayy malay and maths only”. It conjured up images in my mind as I thought, what if that conversation was to be enacted out in real life? I probably would have been talking to myself.

Like an experienced user, I then thumbed my way to the game Bounce. I found it to be entertaining, comforting in fact. It provided me an escape from the outside world when there were awkward or boring moments. I could stare into the tiny backlit screen of the handphone which you lent me, for hours, bouncing the big red ball into dangerous and unfamiliar virtual places. It’s ironic how you would chide me for playing Bounce. When it was an escape from awkward or boring moments. With you.

I walked past the silent flats, through the fluorescent  lit corridors and wondered how many people were sleeping, and then how many else were just quiet, pretending to be asleep. Those asleep must have been loyal to their sleep routine. What about the others? Perhaps some of them are facing troubles in their lives to the point of insomnia, while others were enjoying theirs through the humble television set or reading a book. I wondered what you were doing. Were you still playing on the computer? Maybe you were finishing up the last piece of your homework, maybe malay. I walked past my neighbour’s unit and it was all dark, silent. And in some ways I see an uncanny resemblance, we’re like neighbours, we’re so close but our backs are turned against each other, oblivious to each other.

I thought of all the things we’ve done together. All the memories shared. And I felt really lonely. I don’t know whether I should hold on to you, or let go. Some would say to let go would be to give up, but I’ve also heard that giving up someone does not mean you’re weak, it means you’re strong enough to let go. I was hurt badly enough at one moment to let go, but can I do that again? Do you really need me that badly?

Someone please  talk to me. Tell me everything’s all right.